A Voice, so to speak

Writing on Sunday mornings – or any morning - has become a luxury. I’m beginning to think that perhaps some of my friends, especially those that have known me for many years may be right. Perhaps I am a Type A personality. Right now, I am overwhelmed with work and projects. But it’s because when someone presents something to me, I can immediately see how (a) I can solve their problem, (b) know that I want the experience and (c) appreciate the monetary value it might bring.

In my heart, I know that I’m a lazy slug. There’s nothing I rather do than lie in bed late in the mornings, or just veg out with a good book or TV program. I just have trouble summoning up the word “no.” I imagine many of you have the same issues. All our lives seem to be ratcheted up a few notches. I am grateful that when I first came to Asheville, when I didn’t know but a couple of people, I had time to sit in Beanstreet and observe life in these parts. I am also grateful, as spring and summer came along, that I have a deck where I could sit and watch the sun rise over the mountaintop that I can see over my neighbor’s roofs. I’ve had many wonderful mornings listening to the sound of the birds and other little critters that are remarkably different than the sound of garbage trucks and taxi horns that I have listened to for so many years.

My latest and most exciting experience that I am glad I couldn’t say “no” to is the opportunity to be an adjunct teacher at the local community college. I am teaching Desktop Publishing/Graphic Design using Adobe InDesign and Photoshop CS. Teaching is something that I have always wanted to do. In fact, when I first started to college at 18, my degree was to be in Art Education. In the third year, just before I dropped out, I remember getting up in front of a practice class and totally freezing up. That wasn’t the sole reason I left school, but it was just another contributing factor. Then later, when I returned to school in my early 30’s, I had to get up in front of one of my classes and give a report. This time I did worse than freeze – I said something totally inappropriate because I was so nervous. Then I froze. And no, Alice, I still will not tell you what it was. I will go to my grave sharing that knowledge with only the people who were in the class – and I have often prayed they have long, long forgotten. At that point, I definitely knew that I would never be able to do public speaking.

But I’ve always wanted to! Now, in my later years, I’ve discovered that so much of my life has been about my attempts to express myself. I finally did return to school and finish my undergraduate degree in Communications. And what is graphic design but a visual expression of text and images? And these silly blogs I write? Yes, yes, I broadcast to the world – I need to speak! I’ve dabbled in painting and music – all attempts to find a medium and my voice of expression

Last year, when I was in Australia working on my culminating project for my master’s degree in Conscious Evolution, I was once again presented with the opportunity to finally get a handle on this fear of public speaking. When I was asked to give the student address, I thought I could never do it. But, with the help of a dear friend, preparation and lots and lots and lots of practice,d I succeeded. The lesson I really came away from that experience, especially compared to my earlier attempts, is to be prepared. So that is what I have done with this class. I am self-taught in all my graphic software. InDesign is relatively new compared to the old Quark Express that I have used for the past 12 years. I have spent countless hours for the past several weeks working through the book and doing the exercises. I will have to do the same with Photoshop.

In the weeks preceding my first class, I woke up many nights in a sweat. In the dark mornings I questioned why had I agreed to teach this class. It’s so much work. And what if I freeze? What if I don’t know the answers to their questions? What if I’ve just been kidding myself for the past 30 years that I’m a good designer? It’s a good thing for me to actually look someone in the eye and make a commitment. The worse thing I think I can do is to let someone down. So, I continued to remind myself that I experienced these feelings before I did the Student Address, and that was successful, and this would be too.

The day of my first class, which is an evening class four hours long, I thought I would throw up. I won’t give you all the details of how my body was handling my fears. Suffice it to say, I was a bit of a wreck all day. I arrived early, so that I could get the feel of standing at the podium, walking around the classroom and generally acquaint myself with the computer equipment. Then, my first student walked in. Then another and another. I greeted them with a smile and made sure they were in the right class (their was a misprint on the schedules regarding room assignments). Something clicked. It all felt right. They were actually there to listen to me. They seemed eager to learn these programs – especially Photoshop. I scheduled the first part of the class to find out from them why they were taking the class, what they hoped to get from it, and how they thought they might use their new skills. I forgot all nervousness and realized that it wasn’t about me. It was about them, their needs and how I might be able to help them.

I know that I will have to do a lot of work in finding the right balance of how fast to cover the material, how best to present it and how to deal with the ones who are falling behind. I know I may run into discipline issues and we all may have problems with staying with the material -it is a long class and I’m sure the we will be tired at times. But right now, I feel joy in perhaps finally overcoming my fears of public speaking. I feel joy in knowing that I can actually help people develop skills that may help them find better jobs. I especially feel joy in finding that I can express myself in my teaching.